Lukar et. al.'s Journal

5:44am: New stuff vs. old archives
--- This is a separator entry! ---

2:03am: [Taking up the pen again in an uneasy time: Lukar's Journal returns]
Trys was right, of course; her trip was nothing to start panicking about. It took me by surprise. But not every time someone goes off alone are they out to do something drastic, isn't that right? She's back now. I'll admit I'm probably disproportionately relieved.

...Seems especially unfitting when I think of how this puts her back in our world of the lighthouse, and the sickening prediction someone's set forward about that. Not one to understand the functional details of time travel myself--it was a condemned area of magic to pursue where I've come from, and even among the delinquent crowd it seemed like no one could make it work--but whatever the actual significance of those photos, I find them quite disturbing enough. Nevermind we don't know where they came from, nor with what motives or intent. Of course I worry. Don't know all of what she might've dealt with in the past either (she had a bodyguard working for her, didn't she?), but I haven't been convinced it's not affecting her this time. Just how much, I'm not sure... The fact that she returned from the trip exactly as she said she would does make me feel as if I should put some other doubts to rest, but the whole thing was so inexplicable to me; it was sudden-- Well, I suppose she's never been the hesitant type. Anyhow, she's also been acting strangely even since she's come back...

I'm ready any time to leave aside Rufus and this writing to go have a word with her, but there are things I've got to say I haven't worked out how to get at...

Fab, my one love:
Once I swore I'd take care of you. Maybe I should have said I'll never give up trying.
Bloody useless, aren't I? Still, at the least I can offer one less thing for her to worry about. Now that the key's back, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

3:41am: [Lukar in his journal, finding life too complicated to describe in detail...]
What can I say? Quite a lot has happened. Didn't expect to be separated from my pen and this notebook for quite that amount of time, for that matter. Party at the end of Fab's starring project turned out quite unlike what had been planned. Oh, there was good catering and the guest list was all right, but the crash landing on the polar section of that world was never her idea. At least, as far as I can guess it wasn't...

Rufus might be a challenge for us, but Fab wouldn't go to those lengths to get away from him. Myself, I missed him. More than I would have known that I would, I mean. He's growing so fast, really-- a bit unnerving if you ask me. Even while we were only gone such a short length of time stuck on Glacia, he's changed. Bigger, sure, but it's not just that; now when he looks up it really feels like he's seeing us.

I'm getting more and more afraid again of what it is he might see.


Spoke with Arthur again. Still not sure I understand what went on.. He was feverish, I was exhausted. All I know is it was a fair bit better than how we parted ways the last two times--when I did doubt that I'd ever speak with him again. He.. gave me the wristband clock his father had given to him. Told me the story, too. I didn't tell him about my dad in return... It seemed like Ilsemar already explained a bit of that, and the conversation was drawing out as long as what I figured someone in his state would have been fit to handle.

Really thought he would die out there when I couldn't stop him from going alone... and when they brought him back.
I suppose I misjudged Ilsemar. Not that I thought she wasn't looking out for us, but I never realized it could happen like that. Might've more expected her to just appear one day in our little colony with a story to tell of what had kept her- Turns out that was Raffalo's job this time, actually. And Ilse had been there in the meantime... I wonder if she heard what I said any of those times I was in?

...well, nevermind. Just a good thing we all made it back. Bit worse for wear, some of us... Fab's about back to health, though, and that's important.

At least that's one of us.

Both Arthur and Cezte suggest I lay off my use of spells while this problem of mine persists. My control is slipping more and more, bit by bit. So far Cezte's only been able to help elaborate on what's happening, not to come up with an acceptable solution. She also did make a point to remind me that at some point I certainly will become a danger to those around me. Already it takes real concentration to level out the overloads... On the other end I might be able to recognize the dizzy spells, but can I keep preventing the blackouts? And what next?

Not like I'm entirely out of options now, is it? But they don't even realize... Of course they wouldn't. But haven't they got even the slightest idea? Sure, my former skills might be left entirely useless while I'm here. But what about incidents such as the previously described party mishap? Lost in the caves we weren't entirely without light, or heat, or a way to electrocute the furred things or the scaly things. Simple but valuable uses of magic in survival. That's not all, either. It's more than the only thing I've ever been good at- it's the way I live and the way I am. If I lock that away...

Do they have any idea what they're asking?

2:02pm: [Lukar] Well, Arthur...
I did tell you so.

...all the same, I suppose I do hope those aren't the last words you remember anyone saying to you.

Don't die, you fucking bastard.

11:09pm: [Lukar might be around here somewhere...]
Middle of the night: late enough the corridors and public spaces are actually found empty more than not and the tranquility of dimmed lights and respectful silence prevails for a time. Sleep, however, is not a universal blessing within these walls. A door of a simulation room is locked, subtle indicator of activity beyond the scope of prying eyes or ears.

Midnight wanderers, though, might travel the areas located through the other door off from the bar and might--at only about the same period of time--be able to perceive the sound of a recording carrying from the theatre. Music: misty slow notes of a tango drifting out with pathetic trembling from aged speakers, left playing from some outmoded equipment set up backstage-left. The volume is down to a point where only dancers practicing directly upon the stage would really find it possible to follow along listening.

Somewhere behind the curtain, cast off in the darkest dustiest corner among the ground-level rigging equipment, a pocket-size book lies open on its broken spine, revealing few words in black ink on dull parchment:

"Help's barely kept her from bringing about her own end again; begun to wonder if she'll be the end of me."

6:00pm: [Journal of confused Lukar, trying to figure himself out alone]
So here I am, survived some of the worst months of my life. Could think of how badly I lived before, but it doesn't quite compare; never really cared what happened then. Now I did, and the ending I was mostly hoping for--the one that kept me going--it got here. Although, I wasn't also hoping for the rest of what happened. I think of how grateful I was that that first week was mostly quiet--the stress on me and Fab wouldn't have been bearable otherwise--but then I remember where Ilsemar was at that time. She hasn't been having an easy time for quite a while either... I should know, I've had an eye out for her since day one when I decided I wouldn't mind owing her one for the miracle she'd done for me. We sat together to talk, and she made me feel like things were actually going to be okay... first time I ever remember that feeling. She's done it again other times, but now have I come to depend on her for it? We talked again, just recently, and once again she said something I needed to hear. It'd been a long time since I felt that kind of clarity or felt at ease that way. But now... now I'm not so sure I should let it go at that. I'll need to talk to her again, tell her how I don't want her to do anything for me out of obligation or responsibility. Not if it's so hard on her that she's still upset. Always burdening herself with extra, I ought to have realized that. Maybe I did... I just...

So what is my problem now?

Sure I'm hoping for the best for Trystan and his girls, and it stabs me through the heart to realize that Ilsemar still isn't quite recovering from her ordeal, but I've been learning (slowly but surely) that there'll always be something going on for someone else. Can't always be overly concerned at others when you have other responsibilities. I'll go to Trystan's place to offer him whatever help I can (that'd be only fair), and I'll visit Ilse to keep her company as soon as I get the chance (probably would have anyhow). But what I won't do is ignore any of the needs of Fab and Rufus. Actually, I'd personally rather not do anything that would make me miss out on the time with them. There's so many things we're just learning to do, and I know I'm enjoying it much better while I can more-or-less keep up with Fab and be at her side for most of it. It's getting easier, there's less new things already. Still hard to sleep, but I'm no stranger to short nights- Right, time to cut the 'dad talk' and go back to figuring out what my point was. I love every minute that the three of us get to spend as a family... maybe moreso knowing how easily it could all fall apart, or could have already...

So why am I not content with it yet?

It doesn't feel right yet. I'm not sure why. Maybe it just needs more time, or maybe there's something else. But all this has made me think that maybe I should put off the search for a while and try lying my way through this. "No, nothing's wrong. I'm fine." Only just recently realizing how many lies I've trusted in. Makes me sick, but what's the alternative?

...tired of this writing already, I think. Wonder if I could still catch up with Arthur for that drink. Didn't intend to risk making him feel unwanted. Just a little too good at pissing me off without even intending to, isn't he? Damned upright citizens, always with their concerned nose in the wrong business. But yet again I find myself counting on him to take care of some important people for me... doesn't seem fair... but at least he isn't smug about it. Poor humble human bastard.

5:23pm: [Lukar on clean-up...]
[The coatroom might bear a few new scuffs, but otherwise remains fundamentally the same. The door to the broom closet is closed, but now a sign on it reads: "Closed access for the time being. -The management". Not as though anyone could enter if they tried, what with the lock firmly back in place. Looks like the Comet and mop shortage will remain a lingering issue. Sitting on the other side of the room is Lukar, writing in his little book again but with a sharp ear out for any passers-by to inform them of Ilsemar's return (and her recent request for more downtime alone). If they ask what he's writing, though? Then glare from him at the moment ought to be enough to discourage almost anyone from waiting around for any other answer.]

"So much for bargaining with the kidnapper; turned out easy enough for Annabel to pick his pocket. Didn't realize our old pest Neville would be the THAT much of an idiot, but then what should I have expected from someone who'd locate their prison at their captive's own home? I doubt he has the capacity to appreciate irony either, but we'll see about that once he figures out where he is and how he's restrained. Provided he even wakes up, of course. Ani knocked him around a bit much. Foul worm is probably lucky for it, since that's all that's kept me from cutting off his hands yet... he can't feel it while he isn't conscious.

...which begs the important question: Will I be able to look anyone here in the face if I dabble in torture for justice?

Nevermind now. I'll work things out later, after a bit of a break. Ilse is safe, that's what's important. Finally can be a bit at ease. All I really want just yet is a rest and some time with Fab (and the kid) without worrying in the back of my mind.

Well, can't quite relax totally. I'm a guard now, aren't I? As long as no one else hears about the key and what became of it, then I've only got Ani to worry about. This is not ideal, since I doubt I can stop her from taking it if she gets impatient. This worries me considerably, since it seems to be a powerful little item. Opens or closes anything, puts the lock on the power of a demigoddess? He knew how to get around with it somehow... I don't, but a bit of tinkering might be enough to figure it out. Or to get oneself lost or killed, of course."

7:39am: [Lukar journal - R.I.P. Table 5]
I knew an expert kidnapper and opportunist in my past life, didn't I, before I arrived at this place I call home. He was self-absorbed, treated others without a scrap of decency or respect, generally despicable... he was my biological father.

Picked up a lot from him--mostly self-hatred and a lot of built-up frustration really, but some other things too. Trying to remember a few of those more clearly now, as it seems it may come in useful. So tired of being helpless or useless.

As far as being helpful goes, though, I probably shouldn't have done that bit with the fire magic in the bar. Not when there was still drinks on the table. At least, I ought to have stayed to help put it out. But I see that someone managed to take care of it after I left. Suppose I could look them up to say thanks. Or sorry...

I felt a bit better though.

Really good that Fab took care of a lot more in that regard. She's amazing. Also reminded me of some other things she's been dealing with. I mean, I haven't been really helpful there either. I've met my son and tried to get myself used to the fact that he exists, but I really can't handle him very well. Then I left too much to her, I guess. She's just back on her feet, and next thing I realize I'm taking it for granted. She already has a handle on the Rufus situation in a way I'm not sure I ever will, but I need to stop being an added burden and start really helping. If I can. Well, anyway, very glad she's still here, plus she's okay. So glad. There's no way I can say that enough.

She really makes almost everything better... some of this will take some additional work.

Forget it, I'm just not fit for it.

please, I didn't even get a honeymoon--

No, I'll be fine. They need me.

5:32am: [Lukar on the verge of fatherhood...]
Here we go then. Talked with Arthur and he told me it's all ready. Could be all over as soon as tomorrow or tonight, he said.

I've started thinking that it would be easier if I could go with my plan for if Fab didn't make it. If she died I'd kill myself. If the kid made it and she didn't, then I could leave him for Ilsemar. She misses her own kids and she cares enough about both of us...

Too bad it couldn't work like that. She cares about both of us enough that she'll do whatever it takes, or whatever she can. I could be wrong, but my guess is that I have more to worry about with her than the others.

She won't let us down.


...Wish none of this were really happening. Sorry, kid.

3:48am: Oww, ow. FU- Trystan.. What did you do to me, you- ...right, not quite like that.
But my heasd... Did I really agree to that?
No, it didn't even seem like a good idea at the time--but sure enough, must have went with it. Not quite sure, given. Memory cuts out a bit until this morning. Uh, atfernoon afternoon. Still in the observatory, few things a bit different. No more shoes... (not sure about the details there) Chocolates were gone completely too, and apparently I tried out his sketchbook (at least I think it was my handwriting on the same page). He only came to when I splashed some water at him, but he still says he's sure he won. Bitch. I had my headstart-

No- no rematch. No. No, never drinking like that again.

aaaahhhhhhhggh.

what were we talking about before that? it was important... oh, right. stuff. Get together some stuff- once this wears off. No stuff today, no. uh, I hope Fab doesn't kill me.. abandoning her for a bit of idiocy..

well, I bet her aim is finally got worse with her eyesight.
She's really dying...
We need to tell them to step in soon, but how soon?

1:29am: [Lukar retreats to the journal for some incoherence]
What's that saying, "all's well that ends well"? I suppose not all of these things can be true. Then again, what sorts of things have clear endings..?

Anyway, I feel I've managed to do something well enough for things to happen as they did. If I really did anything at all. Nevermind the pessimism though, "possibly-doing" something helpful is better than being absolutely useless or only being successful at making things worse.

Lately I've thought I would be glad to be good at anything. Anything... There was only one thing I was ever good at. None of them ever really knew it though, did they? I didn't think I wanted them to. Didn't want them to see what a good job I could do of hurting people. What would they think of me if they knew how much I miss it?

I told someone "you are what you want to be".

If any person tells me I'm a good person again, I don't know if I'll be able to take it.

I don't know who I am, either... but it can't be that simple. If I am what I want to be, then if part of me wants to be something bad, how can I be good?

Or if I don't know myself how does anyone know me? How can they think they know me without hating me more? Do they have any idea how selfish I've been? How angry I've been, and how I've longed for what I used to be? It's wrong, isn't it? All these things they'd hate if they only knew. They should know but I can't explain- Maybe I don't want to enough- It could change everything-

...I do need help. I really do. I know I do. Just like I said that I know I must look like I do.

finding it is another problem.

4:54pm: [Lukar's journal, and he's not quite so pleased with recent developments...]
Snapped at Arthur. What kind of asshole am I?? Good-natured bastard was just having himself a drink after dealing through more tough health issues of those I care most about, then he made the mistake of staying just long enough to offer me a helping hand. He didn't get it--didn't see why I didn't want to go in to see Ilse. I could tell he didn't get it, but I wasn't about to explain so I just... just ended up turning it on him instead. Sure, I'm getting a bit sick of all the reminders that I'm so transparent about my need for help--not that some sort of sedative is really my idea of a solution to anything at this point--and if people think I'm going for martyrdom then I can't say I'm ready to pat myself on the back, job-well-done... but really now. The underappreciated and affable new citizen of the bar? What was I thinking??

Actually, internal thought process probably when something like this: Can't risk hurting Fab, can't risk hurting Ilsemar. Oh look, here's someone who didn't back away quickly enough.

Right on, you miserable fucker! Pick a convenient target, anyone will do. Because kicking the shit out of old enemies in the simulator isn't good enough some days. Especially when it takes a little too much cheating to actually win.

...Of course Ilsemar also managed to hear my gripe about her. Not all of it, though, since she fell asleep before I finished bumbling my way through trying to explain how it wasn't her fault. Probably for the best. She's not the only one who's tired... Going to go to Fab's room now, kick Shenta off the bed, curl up in the residual warm spot. Might feel nice.

6:55am: [Lukar's private journey of self-pity and self-doubt continues...]
She's not doing better these days, that's for certain. Don't know what went on that Zal and Frank were arguing over, don't know what actually happened to Fab, don't know what fixed it. All I know is the sound of her in pain, and the look of her afterward. And that Arthur said it'll probably come up again.

Yeah, I'm scared. Out of my fucking wits, of course I'm scared.

None of this was what I had in mind. So much has happened. Few bits of real happiness, then just when I might've felt I was working it all out, things changed again. It's like I've lost control of everything... now I hardly even recognize who I am anymore. Not all changes are for the worse (I hope), and it's not like I'm used to getting what I want... but I guess I can't stop hoping for it to happen. I know we might not have a long time together even under better circumstances, but I don't know what I would do--

never been a lot of people who I can't imagine the death of. Not used to caring. Even Trystan.. A close friend, I guess. But he's been so close to dying so many times I suppose I hardly even expect him to last from one day to the next. Surprised me today by coming for a visit, actually... and maybe I'm not used to him being out of bed either, since I sooner thought it might be Ilse when I heard the knock. Really though, he's treated me well since I came here, and current times don't seem to be any exception. Wish I were returning the favor better, or at least seeming more grateful.. It hasn't worked out quite right, since I seem to trip up.. focus always comes back to me and my problems before I can get the right words in. Not trying hard enough? I dunno. Anyway, he's showing his concern sure enough, and even if he hadn't said so I'd know he'd help however he could.

If it happens though, what would help? Fab said I won't lose her... I'm willing to believe I might not, but the way things have gone I don't know if I can stop being afraid that I might. I don't know what I would do. Never had so much to lose.

Getting attached to our kid already... What if I were to lose them both? Haven't even met him yet, but the news is that he's there, he's a he, and he's doing okay so far.

I guess I have been letting hope get the better of me in some ways. Can't stop imagining the family-that-might-be. Not that those thoughts are necessarily the most promising, but they keep coming. Thinking of how he might look more like Fab (..or Max? umm.), or like me... wondering who he'll look up to as he grows up. I'm not any kind of 'father' material, am I? How the hell am I going to teach him anything? I don't know anything, and if I did I'd be lousy at passing it on. These days I can't even do the things I used to be able to.. try to do magic and I'm out of practice or out of focus. Still awkward at footwork in the new shape (there goes half my training at using small size to my advantage), not to mention there's now a high cupboard door out to get me behind the bar... Nothing seems right. And even when I try to keep myself well and sane for Fab and everyone's sake, I get interrupted by someone reminding me that I'm forgetting to eat properly. Am I always going to be this useless? Pathetic, too. I'm not strong enough for this... If my son makes it as far as being born and growing up, he'll probably just hate me. I suppose that might be a family trait passed down from my side.

Still, it doesn't matter so much. Just so long as he's got his mother to love...

2:45pm: [Lukar: After the show is over, and after sitting through the toasts to the happy couple...]
Lukar Drachire: married man. Don't think anyone anywhere would have ever seen this coming. It's the smart, romantic guys like Trystan who propose to their girl and get a 'yes', or it's the friendly, soft-hearted guys like Syrian who are supposed to 'settle down', right? Know-it-alls like Joel and Zal get the 'prizes'... Then there's guys like me. Well, hopefully there aren't many. I've always been an undermatured half-wit with a poor temperment and a fairly despicable self-centered streak.

That's quite probably why the whole business of having someone love me makes so little sense and is so very difficult to believe, isn't it?

I've made up my mind though.

That doesn't happen often, but this time I've done it. I've decided I'm not going to question such a good thing and I'm not going to let my doubts have any more than their fair say (if even that). It might be a little ignorant, a little foolhardy, but so far it's really not seeming quite so bad.

I'm in love with her, and I'm not going to keep trying to doubt it. I've got a ring to wear for the rest of my life, after all.

Thank you, Fab.
I'll take care of you. I swear.

2:56am: [In Lukar's journal tonight:]
He's going to kill me. If he notices I exist this time, anyway. Tough to decide what'd be the worse option. If he keeps too quiet I really might have to pick up on my training with magical curses, though. I'm sure Ilse wouldn't scold me too much.

Fab's amazing.

Shenta's been good too.

And Ilse.

Hm, I wonder if Trystan's got the news.

2:25am: [If Lukar's mind had a soundtrack]
Hello vodka, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again..

[Right, that was bad, sorry. Seriously now:
If anyone's seen Lukar after his visit to the theatre in the afternoon, it'd be him (more white-faced than usual and very avoidant of social contact) on his way to simulator 1, where he's locked himself in tight. The journal's gone with him and before he even starts a simulation he's sat down to write a few quick words:]

Oh shit.

[Followed by a rough jumble of what must be just about every expletive he knows how to spell, and some which (in his current state) he evidently doesn't.]

... Think I'll go murder myself now. I swear, I deserve it.

Speaking of deserving murder, I've been thinking of the old man again. You know, he put me through a lot.

But at least he knew what he was doing.

1:05am: [Wherein Lukar decides all is not lost (yet)]
Don't know how it could have happened, don't know how impossible it should've been--and the timing? This is really, really- That is, really absolutely spectacular and- I wonder if Ilsemar did it? She could've done it, since I think I told her once or twice about him. Maybe I'll have to ask. Anyway, Best thing to happen since I landed up here. Well, wait, there was falling in love, but that wouldn't've happened if I didn't get here. I suppose this would've happened either, or at least I wouldn't be here to appreciate it but-

The cat's here! That big, dumb, glorious, life-saving, only friend I ever had in the other world. He's sleeping on my foot again (drooling, no doubt). I think I may have to hug him again soon, even if it wakes him up.

Never thought I'd see him again. Never thought I could be so happy about it.

Already showed him to Fab. He didn't say much; hoping that's a good sign since he always did tend to complain loudly if he saw a problem. Think he's still doing a lot of adjusting to the whole idea of being in a different world... and me caring about people. He never really saw that either, did he? Never even could admit I cared for him, could I?

So glad the stupid mutt is here.

4:09pm: [Lukar goes off on a love-life tangent in his notebook journal]
SHIT.

Shit! Great fucking almighty demented shit--!!
I can't get married--Hell, even if I were twice my age, I'd still have second thoughts. Who marries his first girlfriend?! She's had how many other husbands before I even met her? Oh yeah, so she's so sure I'm the one who'll be different. Well I've had nothing ANYTHING like this, ever! Alright, so I had a crush, then a stalker, and I kissed someone I liked once before--ha ha.

Everyone knows I'm still a social toddler. Amateur didn't even cut it, maybe "training-wheels" came closer. The only friend I had in all my younger years was a large, exceptionally dense cat for fuck's sake. Now I've had a girl liking me for a whole--what, two seasons of a year?--and I said I'd marry her?! NEXT MONTH? What the fuck!
Dammit.
What if I just don't have a clue what I'm doing, and someday someone else comes along and gets to me... It wasn't really hard for her to do, was it? She yelled at me a couple times, played some head-games with me and I was hooked. It was all different then, though. She always acted in charge... Now it seems like she's doing what I wanted her to, what I asked her to a long time ago.. She's trying to play by different rules and to think about other people before doing whatever she wants. She's turning into a good person. Just as amazing, beautiful, smart and wonderful as ever.. but good too.

If I were to screw it up now-Now or ever... I don't want to hurt or break her. Destroy her, like she said I would.
No, no no no no- what can I do?! I'm just dirt, piece of scum, worthless little shit, going to fuck it all up--

On the other hand, what's her lifespan going to be? Anything like the humans I knew of before? Maybe I could hold off the breakdown for a century or so, then it wouldn't even matter anymore.

Wow, if that's the case then we really haven't got a lot of time together. Can only begin to imagine how someone like Ilsemar thinks of her dealings with mortals with time limits as ridiculous as that..

Then again, if there's anything I've learned since I got here: under the right circumstances a lot can happen in what seems like a short time.

Can't just take back what I said. ... I don't want to. I do want to stay with her. There can't be anyone quite like Fab. I want to go through with it.. I must be crazy.

8:29pm: [Reaction from the assistant manager]
"Glrk"-(Or maybe that's just part of the line of scribbles that follows after) Did she really have to- At least there was nobody else around when I read th-
..Nevermind.

Ran into Ilsemar this morning before heading into the bar. Interesting news: Max is the new boss of things. Fine, it's only temporary anyway, and she already seemed suddenly much happier.

...

Moving on, where does this put me? Do my part as usual, try to keep the pressure off of anyone else who doesn't deserve it. Not that I'll suddenly start to put up with being ordered around by any but the one Quordlepleen ('Ms. Q', to quote her agent), but Ilse wouldn't've passed things to him if she thought he was going to be a lot of a pest about it, would she? Plus I hear he's not planning any changes (yet?). Hopefully everything will be fine if I just keep up what I always do. Keep an eye out, serve some drinks around, give the speech to the newcomers, and every once and a while check around that nobody's off dying in an empty corner of the place. Fine. Wonder what Fab will think of the announcement. Going to ask, soon. Not quite yet. At least need my damn shower first.
Among all this I forgot what the hell I was going to write yesterday--Right, soft stuffed toys. Maybe some other time.


List of concerns/conditions to clarify with new owner:
-My room stays its own area of the complex, however I want it to be.
-I do what I do, without any other pay, with the understanding that I can take a break or a vacation whenever I feel so inclined. This still stands.
-In other words, I'll give consideration to any scheduling requirements, but reserve the right to consider myself uncommitted. I make no excuse for my absence.
-I hope to be consulted prior to any significant changes, if they do take place.
-I'll work to keep things pleasant for everyone, to the best of my abilities, but not for the sake of M.Q, esquire. Something to keep in mind.

Is that all? Should do for a quick initial visit.

This is my home, not planning on taking any chances with it...

At the same time, Ilse needs a rest. It really wouldn't be sensible to give Fab's dad a hard time for making that rest possible, or to make any demands it's not my place to make. Hm. For all the whole 'vacation-whenever-I-want' and for all my bouts of ineptness, and for all my lack of experience, I have tried to take my little title seriously. I want to keep things going. If he gives me any new suggestions about what needs looking after, I can probably take them. After all, he's not got divine cosmic powers to help him.

5:02pm: [Now for something far less public from Lukar's pen]
Don't know why I haven't learned to expect more crisises. Always seem to catch me unexpecting--I hate unexpected. Wait, there's pleasant surprises. I heard those are supposed to exist; maybe I wouldn't mind them. Oh ha ha, I crack myself up with my bitter sarcasm.

Anyway, three in a row seems to be a new record. Start to wonder if I'm not paying proper attention. Good that Hermes was keeping an eye on Joel for advance warning of that one (yet it still went sour), I guess Chretien could be excused for noticing Ilse only a little late (rather glad she had made up her mind to stay a few days after the note), but where was I when Fab finally got it in her head I'm pathetic? As if it wasn't her who said I was good enough as I am, or her who let me think she might actually want me with her. Lies? Half-lies? Well, whatever. It was me who asked her to give me a chance so long ago, and then it was me less-long-ago who said I'd do anything. So whatever I can change, I will.

Off to the reading room, then, to see if there's any guide for treating a girl how she wants to be treated when she doesn't want to tell you how she wants to be treated. Apparently my ideas of being considerate had it all backwards, so I best not depend on myself anymore.

And to look up that name Ilsemar mentioned... Peter Pan?

12:37pm: [Lukar, following the crowd]
Been a while since I wrote anything down about my life. Right now things are good.

...yeah, I could leave it at that. It'd make this all much easier than trying to think through the rest. So much has been happening. That play turned out as more of an ordeal than I expected when I agreed to it. The learning, the rehersing, the actual daunting performance of it (along with the heckling..), and the holiday afterparty.
Maybe I shouldn't have had anything to drink when I was in the state I was. All that preparation and nervousness, finally over and done with. Then again, I was probably right that I needed the drink to keep from collapsing before the public appearance was over. So, collapsing early versus how things ended up instead... Maybe I shouldn't have. Then again, I'm far from regretting any of it right now. Maybe I never will.
Wait, that's not quite true. I regret that it slipped my mind to apologize to Henry. But oh well, there's a chance she realizes it wasn't personal and I only picked on her because she made herself the easiest, least-sensitive target. If I'm lucky there's a chance, anyway. Getting on people's bad sides is not what I need.

Speaking of sensitive, I hope Ilsemar wasn't too bothered. Not that she doesn't have more important things to worry about now. Don't want to dwell on that too much, though. Hope Joel's fine and all that rubbish, but I also hate to think that I might have to help deal with anything like that ever again. Of course part of my mind reminds me that it's extremely likely that someone else is going to start getting down again (and probably sooner rather than later), but some tiny pathetic other part tries to be hopeful and tells me not to expect a tradgedy tomorrow. So I'll keep going with my life, pretending to be oblivious to everything that could go wrong. It's just easier that way, isn't it?

And speaking of targets, I just can't wait to go back to working infront of people after making such a fool of myself infront of them (No, of course I'm never sarcastic). Agreeing to the decorated vest and the fur-trimmed hat kept a few of them satisfied for a while, but if anyone asks me to wear those costumes in public again, I might have to explain a few things about where my limits are, and what happens to those who try to push them purposely.


PS. Trystan is a big fat liar. Let's just hope no one encourages him to reuse any parts of his costumes again, either. I've seen enough. No, make that a whole lot more than enough, to put it delicately.

Same to Max, but then I don't expect he's any keener on the idea of dressing up again than most of the rest of us are about seeing him do it again.

Krix on the other hand, might be forgiven for at least keeping his hair. I won't complain, since I've already got all the attention I'd want from girls.

And on that same note.. no matter what anyone bribes me with, I will not be posing for any photos with Syrian ever again. Just to be on the safe side.

For the female members of the cast, Achenar and Fab, they can wear whatever they want and I won't say a word against them. I know better.

Also, I may have to track down whoever it was that left the copy of Fair Maiden Monthly on the table in the sim suite. The results are not likely to be pleasant.

3:02pm: [Lukar: nicely drunk, self-absorbed as ever]
Now even if you could find this journal and get a peek at this entry, chances are the majority of it would be quite illegible. But ignoring that, here's what he meant to say:


"Swampwater stuff is all gone now. Whatever it was, I think it made me even miss the vodka that came before. All in all, still nice evening in the hot tub. Sure, I could've invited someone... but then I couldn't do my thinking at the same time. Lots of thinking lately. You know, I once figured life would be simpler without all that struggle for survival that characterized my younger days. Now I've got to think of things. Don't screw it up Lukar, don't say too much, don't keep too many secrets.. don't spoil anyone's fun, don't forget to smile (fuck off), don't kill Trystan... While we're on that one, it was probably good I actually managed to keep a hold of something like sanity. I wouldn't've had help finishing that bottle, Achenar would've had me stuffed and mounted, arranged in suggestive position next to Vaen, and I'd probably've missed him in the morning, too. Will be proud of myself now, then. Will not celebrate with a drink, however. It is funny though, that I'd do something right, and that he'd say he figured I'd 'grown' or whatever... I mean, it's like I told Ilsemar: When I got here I was under the impression that I'd get better at being someone people would want to be around, but now I've been here for so long and I'm not sure I'm really changing at all. Course she disagreed, she's Ilsemar. She gets headaches when people aren't cheered up properly, she's overgenerous, and she's generally the kindest person I'm ever likely to get to know. Not that it didn't melt my cold black heart and all, but believing her was hard. Is hard. Maybe I shouldn't say believing it, either.. More like: it's hard to stop doubting that the gap in our standards is too significant. What she thinks is improvement in my personality might not be what I consider anything worth making note of. Different, then, when someone else notices even when I'm not whining in their ear.

To top it all off, Fab likes me as I am. Can't brag to many people (it's a serious diplomatic concern), but I can brag to myself right now. She likes to be around me, and she doesn't mind being seen with me. That's what she said. Well, before voicing the second quotation she got me dressed up first. Wasn't so bad, but no one would get me to wear that sort of thing every day (sidenote: New guy is a nutter). Then again, maybe I should find something else to wear every day. Starting to find it disconcerting the way everyone else figures only women should wear clothing that doesn't differentiate between each leg. I know we're a two-legged species and all, but really, whose idiot idea was it to introduce new regions of chafing and dub it a requirement for masculinity? Sadist.

...It's not like I'm seen as feminine in any other way, is it? .... stupid Trystan.

Right, nevermind him, back to Fab. As long as she thinks I'm alright, I shouldn't complain anymore. Should be exceedingly happy, in fact. Except for the fact that I'm not convinced she knows me all that well. Got to admit I'm nervous about trying to introduce more. Will she still think I'm alright after I explain that I've killed a man? And his wife, and their child... Well, now we're back to where the vodka came in to the conversation."

12:15am: [Lukar's share in recent events, as set down in his journal (which he just remembered he had)]
Fuc( Read more? )

Well they don't have to worry about seeing the unwelcome old version of me showing his face again for a while; I don't particularly care to step outside of my room at the moment.

12:45am: [What, you thought Lukar could never be a bit cheerful? (or at least indifferent)]
There are some things a person just knows... For example, I know I'm in too deep here. Way over my head (not as though that's saying much--as most people would tell me, while sniggering). Then again, I don't care. There are some things you can't pass up just because you're terrified. Heck, even the terror is a novel experience.

But here I am, getting caught up in all this.. hm, on second thought, it's the only place I'm enjoying right now. Why bother about anything else? Sure, yesterday was bad, but I'm not inclined to dwell on it. The star couple hopefully will find it in their hearts to forgive me for being present during, and for and not managing to prevent the accident... Chretien and Ilsemar will work things out, and Hermes really isn't such trouble as he seems sometimes.

I'd still rather not be working, but I'm still out to prove myself. What is positive about it all is that I'm starting to think I might be helped along enough to make it. Definitely owe some thanks if it does turn out. We'll see, won't we...

5:03am: [Lukar's written musings on more personal matters...]
For the writing of today's entry, Lukar is sprawled on the bed in his secret room, hair still damp and sodden from a shower, and packets of junk food close at hand:


Well, she didn't laugh at me when I said what was on my mind. If I'd actually thought of telling her (as opposed to just letting myself do so) that's what I would have been afraid of. That, or of her avoiding me later. I don't think she's doing that either, which may actually put me in a bad place. What do I do now? I'm not sure of anything yet, although judging by how scared I'm getting I somehow think I'm coming close to knowing the answer to my own uncertainties. Scared of what this could do to me, despite reassurances.

Really I should trust her, but I'm not good at that. I certainly don't trust myself. Look at me, I'm even doubting Ilsemar these days. That's probably very unfair, though. After all, it's not like she ever promised she'd always be here to look after me. Even if she had, she's only looking out for herself, which is something she needs to do if she intends to keep looking after all of us. It's just that I could really use a little help right now, and I'm certainly not bringing these issues to Trystan while he's got a wedding to think about.

Speaking of, I can't let the bride-to-be do the work behind the bar so much, especially now that our boss is away indefinitely. I really need the vacation I was trying to ask for, but under the circumstances I also really need to take responsibility. I wonder why I let Ilse promote me... maybe I'm too proud. Anyway, I'm not about to let her down since she put her faith in me this way. I'll manage. I hope (That's right.. she told me that doubting myself so much would just make things worse)(... nope, no good, still doubting)